Literally. It can be lovely. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos. ThibautThere cannot be a crisis next week. Jimmy Fallon I don’t like to kick people when they’re down. Please check your email to confirm your subscription. Even fish that talk. Vampires, werewolves, unicorns, kids who listen.”44.
Jim GaffiganIt just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish. My Hero Academia: The 10 Funniest Characters (& Their Most Hilarious Quote) My Hero Academia has its fair share of hilarious characters. Casey StengelA child educated only at school is an uneducated child.
1. I’m white, black, and Asian”.”21. Steve MartinFirst the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Your life sucks around the phone. Please check your email to confirm your subscription. Just live your life. She was so excited when I got home and told her. You’re never going to learn until you fail. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. Groucho MarxLearn from the mistakes of others. Robin WilliamsWhat would you say to your barber? John Mason BrownWhy do men like intelligent women? “You talk so much shit I don’t know whether to offer you a breath mint or toilet paper”23. When they disappear, it’s a If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.I’m not arguing. Rodney DangerfieldIf this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Need a good laugh? I’m simply explaining why I’m right.Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. I left early. His goal was to understand his pain, his depression, his fears, his lack of motivation and inspiration.He finished his software engineering degree in 2007 at the École de Technologie Supérieure de Montréal. Stephen ColbertDon’t be afraid to be a fool. I’m calling from so-and-so’s office…’ What kind of person would ever, ever let the phone ring 75 times? So far, so good. Robin WilliamsOur job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Mark TwainA boss on vacation is the most cost effective measure. Here are the funniest things we've heard them say. George Bernard ShawDon’t yell at your kids! “If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”58. Jim Carrey Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. “Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You can’t do nothing by yourself when you get married. Rodney DangerfieldMarriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence. So for as long as you have the strength to, say ‘yes.’ Stephen ColbertNot living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much.
“I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Now put it over your mouth.”27. My cremation is going to be epic!”3. Steven WrightSomeone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’ Steven WrightA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Last Updated: 8th July 2020. “The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.””19. In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city. “Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s funny.”45. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.”50. One-liners, short funny quotes, sayings, thoughts and captions for your bio, social status, self-talk, motto, mantra, signs, posters, wallpapers, backgrounds. You get married, you’re no longer an individual. Your use of this website constitutes and manifests your acceptance
I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.”31. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”17. “Somewhere, somebody out there is thinking of you and the tremendous impact you’ve made on their life. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Ricky GervaisIt’s a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. Jackie MasonMarry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. “You love flowers, but you cut them.
Abe LemonsEducation can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world – an assigned parking space. Chris RockIf you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game. Until they’re flashing behind you.”42.
We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. “Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make. Jon StewartIf ‘con’ is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? I didn’t buy any of your bullsh*t.”34. George CarlinHere’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. 65. Jimmy FallonThank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.”35. Me: Me: is that the sun”47. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. You’re allowed to be silly. Jerry SeinfeldMen want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of You know the trouble with real life? George CarlinHave you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Funniest saying. Steven WrightIf a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? A realistic person adds two shots of whiskey and says cheers.”48. But a super humid room…but not too humid because, you know.. my hair.”4. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Ellen DeGeneresEmbrace who you are. “The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.””60. Be kind. “My friend thinks he s smart. Alfred HitchcockDo not take life too seriously. “Please forgive me if I don’t talk much at times. James ThurberHumor is a serious thing. So I threw a coconut on his face. Laura Swenson A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in. And if you have a hit movie, it’s ‘so what,’ too – it’s on to the next movie. Albert EinsteinThe only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Rodney DangerfieldRice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.
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