Ryan ReynoldsIf you find me, please let me know where the hell I’ve been.
Abraham LincolnYou’re only as good as your last haircut.
It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”“When I eventually met Mr. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel. Unfortunately I often realize this after I’ve said them.Mark your negative thoughts as spam and delete them. I look like I got on a damn tinted construction mask.
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Bill MurrayI’m writing a book.
Louis C.K.I definitely look at my body and I go ‘yuck’.
Where do robots go for fun? Ricky GervaisIf you spend your days doing what you love, it is impossible to fail. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. Zach GalifianakisTrying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
The lesson is ‘never try. Groucho MarxOutside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Stephen ColbertThere’s an old saying about those who forget history. I believe there is something out there watching us. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.”“Age is just a number. 50 Funny Sayings to brighten up your day Last Updated: 8th July 2020. Some made me laugh till tears ran—which then made me wonder if they were jokes? I don’t care what others say or think about me, at least I am attractive to mosquitoes. Tina FeyA Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Then you’re holding something back. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left? The almost-never-happeneds. I have erased this line.”“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.”“Always borrow money from a pessimist. Ask yourself, ‘What’s it like to be me?’ The only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself that’s where home is. I’m not being racist; it’s true. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.”“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. Alcohol! I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. So what’s it like to be me? Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Life is too short to worry about stupid things. Jim CarreyUntil Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass. It’s not “We love each other!” It’s “Fuck it.” Louis C.K.Don’t text or twitter during the show.
A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”“Everyone has a purpose in life.
Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with. Ray RomanoI don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing.
Will FerrellAlcohol is like Photoshop for real life. Iron – ha, ha, ha.Yes, an optimist can be wrong in the same way that a pessimist can be wrong. You will never get out of it alive.”“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. Most of them would be too scared to even try.
Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”“I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.”“The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.”“Children today are tyrants. Albert EinsteinThe only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Greg Tamblyn If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. George Carlin Clothes make the man.
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Black people have big lips, white people can’t dance. – Unknown. I hope it will last. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work. George CarlinWhen you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. Will FerrellWho was the greatest prostitute in history?
Clever Witty.
The due date.Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.
So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
Stephen ColbertContrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit on stupidity. Spanish proverbWhen I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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